Now here’s a fact about me… I don’t know how interesting it may or may not be, but I LOVE funny pictures of babies. They crack me up without fail. Some people find those Anne Geddes Baby pictures to be in bad taste, but I think they’re HYSTERICAL!! So, without further ado… Here’s a funny baby picture…
It’s time for another stupid, funny MySpace Survey. I don’t change anything when these things get to me. Any spelling mistakes were there before. The titles are assigned to these things without my input and I have absolutely no idea what the questions are before I fill them out. I just erase the previous answer and replace it with the first thing that pops into my head. sometimes it’s something funny, sometimes it’s a genuine response to the query, sometimes it’s both simultaneously. Those are my favorites. Enjoy…
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Strange Questions….
1. What is your best friend’s Mom’s name?
- sharon
3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
- michelle (can’t remember last name)
4.Have you ever made out in a movie theatre?
- no
5. What body part do you wash first?
- armpits
6. Do you have any piercings?
- no
8. Do you have an innie or an outtie?
- innie
9. What’s your favorite flavored Pringles?
- pizza or plain
10. Have you ever been tied up?
- on the phone or at the office?
11. What was the worst thing you ever got grounded for?
- buzzing the tower
12. Shaken or stirred?
- no, it’s “shaken NOT stirred” don’t you ever watch james bond movies
13. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
- you obviously don’t know me very well.
14. How many times have you been cursed out?
- you obviously don’t know me very well.
15. Which shoe do you put on first?
- right
16. How old are you?
- old enough… i get enough of this shit from brandy. i don’t need it from a computer too.
17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
- yes, but not for the reason you would think… i was there to get a blow job from a strange man… wait, it might be for the reason you think…
18. Have you ever had any Friends with Benefits?
- what? like health insurance?
19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
- booooooooobs!!!!
20. Did you french kiss before you were 16?
- embarrassingly, no.
21. Ever been cow tipping?
- embarrassingly, no.
22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
- god… but only on nights when i masturbate myself to sleep… otherwise, brandy.
23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you?
- i’m not gay.
24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash?
- you’re supposed to wash bedsheets and bathtowels?
25. Have you ever found anything in your parents’ bedroom that was questionable?
- my brother
26. What was your childhood nickname?
- dan-o
27. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
- actually this survey is cutting in to my all day air guitar rock-a-thon.
28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room?
- does setting up a webcam count as “peeking?”
29. What’s the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
- the kama sutra in it’s entirety… no wait, once i drove 10 miles over the speed limit… one of those.
30. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
- yes, but my foot was not attached at the time.
31. How do you normally eat your oreos?
- with my mouth… what kind of stupid survey is this?
33. Name something you do when you’re alone that you wouldn’t do in front of others?
- complex mathematics… nobody likes a smarty pants.
36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
- three less than it takes to get me to suck off a transient…
37. Have you ever sniffed an animal’s butt?
- once but i needed to check something
39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper?
- no jokes on this one because i have very strong beliefs on the subject. you MUST fold t.p. if you scrunch it you increase the chances of getting poop on your hand… unless that’s your thing, in which case… scrunch away.
41. Do you have any strange phobias?
- you obviously don’t know me very well.
42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
- only if general grievous action figures count as foreign objects…
43. What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done at a bar?
- i don’t remember her name
44. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?
- ask the hooker i killed
45. Have you ever called your love interest by another girl/guys name?
- yes, but it was her mom’s name so… no big deal.
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coolest knitting I’ve ever seen…
This is the journal entry that I wrote after seeing Superman Returns. It was NOT a good movie. I titled this entry “…Part I,” as I always had intended to go back and write some more on the topic but then I realized that this piece of shit movie really did not deserve even THIS much attention from me. I just can’t believe it was a hit. People ACTUALLY liked it…
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the trouble with superman pt.1
now that i’ve seen ’superman returns’ i have a whole slew of reasons to be pissed off. much to my surprise, brandon routh was not a terrible superman. wasn’t great, but not terrible. his clark kent could use some work. they keep flip flopping on whether or not this movie is intended to be a continuation of superman 2… it is. they use the same music and titles in the opening credits, there is a picture of glenn ford (jonathan kent from superman: the movie) on the mantle in the kent house. the title of lois’ pulitzer winning article is still ‘i spent the night with superman’, lex has been to the fortress of solitude before, and if none of that is enough, marlon brando is still jor-el despite being dead. why would you go to that much trouble if you were not trying to tie yourself to the original films? you wouldn’t. my main problem with this film is how badly bryan singer handled the character of superman. he obviously doesn’t understand what superman is all about. superman is in love with lois lane, but he would never be with her unless she fell for clark kent. there are two reasons for this: 1.) any woman would fall for superman, he’s superman for christ’s sake. 2.) superman is a “mask” that allows clark kent to have a normal life. he’s not a real person. clark is. now…follow me here. i’m gonna be all over the place…
clark gave lois the ‘hypnotic kiss’ at the end of ‘2′ then presumably disappeared. lois moves on with richard white(?) and has a baby (that belongs to superman) here’s the thing: lois is at BEST 26 in this movie. superman has been missing for five years. that means that not only did a 21 year old girl win a pulitzer, but superman knocked up a CHILD. superman wouldn’t have sex with a 21 year old girl. no way. when she finds out the baby is his she doesn’t get upset about being raped, so she IS aware that she has a sexual history with the man of steel. lois does not know that clark and superman are the same guy. which means that she went out with superman, not clark. i can’t imagine lois giving it up on the first date, so that means that she and superman DATED. it also means that at some point they found themselves ‘back at her place’ where it got a little steamy? he sets her down on the bed? he removes his ’s’ shirt and cape? pulls off his tights and outside underwear? his super-weiner is hanging out? she starts sucking him off while he stands there with his red boots still on, blue tights around his knees? THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN!! superman is not a real guy he is an iconic figure. clark can do any of that stuff, superman cannot. clark can get down with a lady; superman cannot. clark can take a shit; superman cannot. clark can sit in a restaurant and enjoy a meal; superman cannot. superman is a disguise that clark puts on to fight crime. he is not a real guy.
more to come…
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As you can probably tell, I have issues…
Here’s a picture of the awesomest dude I saw at the Wizard World 2007 Comic-Con in Chicago:
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Here’s another survey. Sometimes they try to switch it up by giving you a list of rules to follow/consider while you fill out the surveys. Apparently the person who attempted this game before me scored 38 pionts and found the game to be too easy. I don’t know… some of these answers were kind of hard to come up with…
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I wrote this rant right after I read an article in Wizard magazine about “Superman Returns.” I had also seen the trailer at this point. Keep in mind that I am a huge Superman fan and what was being done to the man of steel really got me going. I would also like to point out that I have many gay friends and harbor no ill will towards the homosexual community. My use of the word “gay” to describe something that I find “lame” is a result of the time in which I grew up. My use of the word “queer,” however is in DIRECT referrence to the totally gay lifestyle of the North American homosexual.
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look, i still maintain that one CANNOT make a good superman movie without a proper superman. this movie has no proper superman. this routh kid looks more like jason schwartzman than the man of steel. he looks like a teenager, no bulky muscles or broad chin or any other classicly recognized physically heroic traits…this is not going to be nearly as queer as shumacher’s batman, but pretty queer none the less. listen up hollywood, we comic book geeks like our superheroes to be as close to the comics as possible. i don’t care what your take on the material may be. if you’re gay. fine. be gay. just stop letting it rub off on our superheroes. you didn’t queenify the x-men!! hell, if he promises to de-gay superman i will suck off bryan singer. that’s how much i care…(back to my ranting)… the costume looks rediculous. is that cape TIED on at the neck?? bikini briefs?? ’s’ buckle on the belt?? then you have the whole thing with this film being a continuation of superman 2 but lois has a baby that she doesn’t have in 3 or 4. does that mean the baby is going to die? i certainly hope so. also, being part 2 and 1/2 and all, why are we retelling the origin? that’s a waste of time. plus…superman gets shot IN THE EYE. never mind instinct or reflexes… no heat-vision melting of the bullet. it’ll look better if it shatters against his EYEBALL. gay…. gaygaygaygay GAY!! there are just so many things wrong with this picture already, and it isn’t even out yet, …and still, i can’t help it. i’m excited to see a new superman movie. fuck you hollywood!! i think i’ll go see it with rizzo so he can suck my weiner in the theatre.
My name is Danny and I’m a renaissance man. I write and draw and make with the jokes to entertain the masses. Here on this blog I will share with you, the reading public, samples of what it is that I do. I’m hoping that each entry will contain a couple of things, whether it’s a writing sample and a drawring, or a photograph and a short story. Essays. Random thoughts. Whatever. Let’s begin, shall we?…
I used to hate those stupid myspace surveys that my friends would pass around as bulletins throughout the day. They’re stupid, pointless, and boring. …At least, that’s what I used to think. Then I discovered that if I got a little creative with the answers they could not only be fun to fill out, but also fun for your friends to read. Since I started doing this I have seen a few people that are doing it as well, but they tend to be overly crass. Usually the answers all have to do with shock humor without the wit of actual humor. Almost all of the answers tend to be self serving, designed to make the survey taker seem cool. I have no need to SEEM cool. My answers are intended to delight and entertain. So enjoy as I post all my surveys here for your reading enjoyment (not all at once)…
1. You have 10 bucks and need to buy snacks at a gas station.
- pringles, grape soda, snickers ice cream/brownie sangwich, duct tape, one condom.
2. If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dweller?
- aquaman.
3. Who’s your favorite redhead?
- rizzo fo’shizzo my nizzo.
4. What do you order at The Waffle House?
- hepatitis… look, whether you ORDER it or not…
5. Last book you read?
- hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy
6. Have you made out with anyone on your friend’s list?
- most of them
7. What’s your lucky number?
- 3,720:1
8. Describe the last time you were injured.
- it hurt and then it bled… then i wiped
9. Of all your friends, with whom would you want to be stuck in the jungle?
- manny puig :for the protection and for the wild jungle sex.
10. Are there any odd things that make you feel uncomfortable?
- third testicles
12. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
- my cell phone has wood panelling
13. Soda?
- no thanks, i’m not thirsty. but thanks for asking. that was really nice.
14. Flavor of pudding?
- tuna (weird al fans rejoice)
15. What type of shirt are you wearing?
- the only kind i have
16. Prescription medication?
- yes please
17. Name two things you did last night?
- masturbate
18. $100 bank error in your favor, what do you buy?
- a hooker of course.
19. How many people on your list do you know in real life?
- none of them
20. What are you listening to right now?
- the voice that tells me to burn things. only right now it’s telling me to lightly toast a pop tart. not a bad suggestion, voice. high five!!
21. Most recent movie you’ve watched?
- i don’t remember the name but it was a really poorly produced snuff film. it sucked. the sex was sloppy. the death was premature. it suffered all the cliche problems you expect from amateur snuff films. two thumbs down.
22. If you could invent one thing, what would it be?
- who DOESN”T answer this one with “time machine?”
23. Name a boss you had the hots for:
- springsteen
24. What’s your favorite town?
- lilliput
25. Favorite kind of cake?
- birthday
26. What’s the first words that come to mind right now?
- cake
27. When was the last time you saw your mom in person?
- i can see the top of her head right now…mmmmmmm. (oooh!! sick burn!! take that, mom!! hahahaha!)
28. Who got you to join MySpace?
- tom?
29. What did you have for dinner last night?
- gravel
30. How long have you been at your current job?
- 5 months. only those who know where i “work” will find that funny
31. Is Tom on your friends list?
- yes
32. What’s the last thing you said out loud?
- slow down…mmmmmmm.
33. Look to your left, what do you see?
- my brother jerking off (our family is very close)
34. Who is the last person who spent $100 on you?
- some dude in the stall at the bus station.
35. Who’s your least-favorite tennis player?
- michael jordan
36. Favorite sport?
- tennis
37. What’s the last piece of clothing you bought?
- a really sexy clown costume… you know… for kids!
Stay tuned for more survey hilarity…
My name is Danny. Here are some things you should know about me:
I’m ridiculously handsome, I have the ability to turn semi invisible, i am ninja, I once ruled Lima, Peru with an iron fist for a weekend, I hate cats with the passion of ten passionate men (that’s a lot of passion my friend), I almost survived the Challenger explosion (may I rest in peace), due to the radiation of the earth’s yellow sun i am endowed with powers and abilities far beyond those of mere mortal men, i am allergic to sad things and fond memories (and cat dander), i can smell like a hippopotamus if i don’t shower for two days, I can shout loud enough to level a house. I am able to fit both of my feet into my mouth at the same time. I can recite the alphabet forwards and backwards in every known language on the planet. I was one of the architechts of the original Death Star. I can bend steel bars with my bare hands. I once scaled the outside of the Empire State Building without using my feet. I can stare into the sun indefinitely. I memorized the 1955 edition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica in its entirety. I can telepathically communicate with sea creatures. I can jump out of an airplane without a parachute and land on my feet. I built a fully operational spaceship from scratch. I can taste fear. sometimes if you listen really closely you can hear me sizzle, when it gets cold outside steam rises off my head and shoulders (no shit!), i spent two years searching for the magical subterrainian world of fraggle rock before learning it was only a tv show (wink-wink!)
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