Danny Writes

It’s time for another stupid, funny MySpace Survey. I don’t change anything when these things get to me. Any spelling mistakes were there before. The titles are assigned to these things without my input and I have absolutely no idea what the questions are before I fill them out. I just erase the previous answer and replace it with the first thing that pops into my head. sometimes it’s something funny, sometimes it’s a genuine response to the query, sometimes it’s both simultaneously.  Those are my favorites.  Enjoy…

************************************

Strange Questions….

1. What is your best friend’s Mom’s name?
- sharon

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
- michelle (can’t remember last name)

4.Have you ever made out in a movie theatre?
- no

5. What body part do you wash first?
- armpits

6. Do you have any piercings?
- no

8. Do you have an innie or an outtie?
- innie

9. What’s your favorite flavored Pringles?
- pizza or plain

10. Have you ever been tied up?
- on the phone or at the office?

11. What was the worst thing you ever got grounded for?
- buzzing the tower

12. Shaken or stirred?
- no, it’s “shaken NOT stirred” don’t you ever watch james bond movies

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
- you obviously don’t know me very well.

14. How many times have you been cursed out?
- you obviously don’t know me very well.

15. Which shoe do you put on first?
- right

16. How old are you?
- old enough… i get enough of this shit from brandy. i don’t need it from a computer too.

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
- yes, but not for the reason you would think… i was there to get a blow job from a strange man… wait, it might be for the reason you think…

18. Have you ever had any Friends with Benefits?
- what? like health insurance?

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
- booooooooobs!!!!

20. Did you french kiss before you were 16?
- embarrassingly, no.

21. Ever been cow tipping?
- embarrassingly, no.

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
- god… but only on nights when i masturbate myself to sleep… otherwise, brandy.

23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you?
- i’m not gay.

24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash?
- you’re supposed to wash bedsheets and bathtowels?

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents’ bedroom that was questionable?
- my brother

26. What was your childhood nickname?
- dan-o

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
- actually this survey is cutting in to my all day air guitar rock-a-thon.

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room?
- does setting up a webcam count as “peeking?”

29. What’s the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
- the kama sutra in it’s entirety… no wait, once i drove 10 miles over the speed limit… one of those.

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
- yes, but my foot was not attached at the time.

31. How do you normally eat your oreos?
- with my mouth… what kind of stupid survey is this?

33. Name something you do when you’re alone that you wouldn’t do in front of others?
- complex mathematics… nobody likes a smarty pants.

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
- three less than it takes to get me to suck off a transient…

37. Have you ever sniffed an animal’s butt?
- once but i needed to check something

39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper?
- no jokes on this one because i have very strong beliefs on the subject. you MUST fold t.p. if you scrunch it you increase the chances of getting poop on your hand… unless that’s your thing, in which case… scrunch away.

41. Do you have any strange phobias?
- you obviously don’t know me very well.

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
- only if general grievous action figures count as foreign objects…

43. What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done at a bar?
- i don’t remember her name

44. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted?
- ask the hooker i killed

45. Have you ever called your love interest by another girl/guys name?
- yes, but it was her mom’s name so… no big deal.

*****************************

My name is Danny and I’m a renaissance man. I write and draw and make with the jokes to entertain the masses. Here on this blog I will share with you, the reading public, samples of what it is that I do. I’m hoping that each entry will contain a couple of things, whether it’s a writing sample and a drawring, or a photograph and a short story. Essays. Random thoughts. Whatever. Let’s begin, shall we?…

I used to hate those stupid myspace surveys that my friends would pass around as bulletins throughout the day. They’re stupid, pointless, and boring.  …At least, that’s what I used to think. Then I discovered that if I got a little creative with the answers they could not only be fun to fill out, but also fun for your friends to read. Since I started doing this I have seen a few people that are doing it as well, but they tend to be overly crass. Usually the answers all have to do with shock humor without the wit of actual humor. Almost all of the answers tend to be self serving, designed to make the survey taker seem cool. I have no need to SEEM cool. My answers are intended to delight and entertain. So enjoy as I post all my surveys here for your reading enjoyment (not all at once)…

1. You have 10 bucks and need to buy snacks at a gas station.
- pringles, grape soda, snickers ice cream/brownie sangwich, duct tape, one condom.

2. If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dweller?
- aquaman.

3. Who’s your favorite redhead?
- rizzo fo’shizzo my nizzo.

4. What do you order at The Waffle House?
- hepatitis… look, whether you ORDER it or not…

5. Last book you read?
- hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy

6. Have you made out with anyone on your friend’s list?
- most of them

7. What’s your lucky number?
- 3,720:1

8. Describe the last time you were injured.
- it hurt and then it bled… then i wiped

9. Of all your friends, with whom would you want to be stuck in the jungle?
- manny puig :for the protection and for the wild jungle sex.

10. Are there any odd things that make you feel uncomfortable?
- third testicles

12. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
- my cell phone has wood panelling

13. Soda?
- no thanks, i’m not thirsty. but thanks for asking. that was really nice.

14. Flavor of pudding?
- tuna (weird al fans rejoice)

15. What type of shirt are you wearing?
- the only kind i have

16. Prescription medication?
- yes please

17. Name two things you did last night?
- masturbate

18. $100 bank error in your favor, what do you buy?
- a hooker of course.

19. How many people on your list do you know in real life?
- none of them

20. What are you listening to right now?
- the voice that tells me to burn things. only right now it’s telling me to lightly toast a pop tart. not a bad suggestion, voice. high five!!

21. Most recent movie you’ve watched?
- i don’t remember the name but it was a really poorly produced snuff film. it sucked. the sex was sloppy. the death was premature. it suffered all the cliche problems you expect from amateur snuff films. two thumbs down.

22. If you could invent one thing, what would it be?
- who DOESN”T answer this one with “time machine?”

23. Name a boss you had the hots for:
- springsteen

24. What’s your favorite town?
- lilliput

25. Favorite kind of cake?
- birthday

26. What’s the first words that come to mind right now?
- cake

27. When was the last time you saw your mom in person?
- i can see the top of her head right now…mmmmmmm. (oooh!! sick burn!! take that, mom!! hahahaha!)

28. Who got you to join MySpace?
- tom?

29. What did you have for dinner last night?
- gravel

30. How long have you been at your current job?
- 5 months. only those who know where i “work” will find that funny

31. Is Tom on your friends list?
- yes

32. What’s the last thing you said out loud?
- slow down…mmmmmmm.

33. Look to your left, what do you see?
- my brother jerking off (our family is very close)

34. Who is the last person who spent $100 on you?
- some dude in the stall at the bus station.

35. Who’s your least-favorite tennis player?
- michael jordan

36. Favorite sport?
- tennis

37. What’s the last piece of clothing you bought?
- a really sexy clown costume… you know… for kids!
 

Stay tuned for more survey hilarity…